The Dating Game
by Moony Girl
Summary: Hermione, Cho, Parvati, Ginny, and Colin compete for a day out with Harry Potter in a Survivor style show! It's PG cuz it can get a little rude and violent. This is my first fanfic, so don't flame me...please R/R!
1. The Dating Game - Intro

THE DATING GAME - INTRO  
  
This is my first fanfic, and I was in a weird mood when I wrote this, so it's a little weird and not exactly too funny. Also, this is not a Survivor parody. It's based on the basic idea of the show, so don't flame me about being incorrect. Please review it when you're done!!!  
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Lupin: Hi, and welcome to the first episode of the Dating Game. I'm your host, Professor Remus Lupin, and today, on this oh-so-cool first episode, we'll be introducing our five lucky (cough cough) contestants in just a moment, but first, I'm gonna tell you what they'll have to do. Our five "lucky" contestants will be stranded on a deserted island for 4 weeks, and the last person alive will win the grand prize (bet you didn't see that one coming). Now you all wanna know what the grand prize is, right? (enthusiastic applause in the background) Drum roll, please...A DATE WITH HARRY POTTER!!! (camera zooms over to Harry Potter, who's' gagged and tied to a chair and trying to escape) Oh, and all our contestants will get a nice t-shirt. So, now I'm going to interview our first participant, Miss Hermione Granger. So...  
  
Hermione: Hi, I'm Hermione. Everyone thinks I have no social life, so I'm on this show to prove everyone that I'm not a know-it-all (several people snort rather loudly)! And I'd like a date with Harry Potter too, but of course, being on this show is also a perfect oppurtunity to study the...  
  
Lupin: Anything else you wanna add?  
  
Hermione: Well, I've been reading all about the island weeks before now, and so I know everything about it! There are grindylows in the shallow water surrounding the island (do I get extra credit in Defence Against the Dark Arts for that, Professor?). There's also a lot of plant life and stuff, and I'll talk about that later. Well, the island was first discovered in 1400, and...  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  
Hermione: ...and the last people to visit the island before us were...  
  
Lupin: Stop! Stop! Shut up! I think we've all heard enough already (every except Hermione nods in agreement. Hermione sulks and sits on a box with a Blast-Ended Skrewt, which promptly explodes)  
  
Lupin: Er, why don't we interview Miss Cho Chang now? So, how are you, Cho?  
  
Cho Chang: I've been extremely unstable since my boyfriend, Cedric, was killed (sob)  
  
Lupin: Sorry to hear that, Cho. But you don't think...  
  
Cho Chang: (grabs the camera and shakes it) THE ENERGIZER BUNNY KILLED CEDRIC!!! I SWEAR, I SAW HIM DO IT!!! AND...  
  
Lupin: You just killed our cameraman!!!  
  
Cho Chang: (points at someone only she can see) IT'S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!! HE'S COME TO GET US!!! RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!! (Cho runs away screaming...over a cliff)  
  
Lupin: Er, don't worry, I think she's still alive. Our rescue crew will get her in a sec...um, how's Miss Patil doing over there?  
  
Parvati: Not too good. (takes out an orb from her purse) I've been gazing into my crystal ball...  
  
Lupin: EEEEEEEEEK!!!  
  
Parvati: (looks shocked) Well, as I was saying, I've been gazing into my crystal ball, and I saw my aunt picking her nose while watching soap operas on tv...  
  
Lupin: What does that have to do with the Dating Game?! (stares apprehensively at the crystal ball and starts screaming again)  
  
Parvati: Well, obviously, my Divination skills will give me an extra edge in this tournament, as I can predict...  
  
Lupin: Put the bloody thing-that-looks-like-a-moon away!!! Er, sorry about that...let's go over to Ginny now  
  
Ginny: Hi Mom!  
  
Lupin: Er...is there anything else you want to say?  
  
Ginny: Do I have to?  
  
Lupin: Of course you do! We're on international television here!  
  
Ginny: okay...um, I love Colin Creevey, and I've been dating him for 3 years in secret now, and, er, I like Neville too  
  
Lupin: Um...  
  
Ginny: I'm not done yet! I LOVE HARRY POTTER AND I'M GONNA WIN THIS GAME SHOW 'CAUSE I'VE ALREADY BOOKED OUR HONEYMOON IN ANTARTICA  
WITH THE PENGUINS!!! Oh, and did I mention I have pics of Harry all over my room?  
  
Lupin: Er, let's interview Mr. Creevey now. So, Colin, why did you decide to participate in this game show? It was meant for girls, you know...  
  
Colin: Well, it's been my secret ambition to date Harry for years...  
  
Lupin: WHAT?!  
  
Colin: Er, did I say date? I mean, er, I'm trying to get a good photo-op with him!  
  
Lupin: But can't you take photos of him anytime you want? I mean, you guys go to the same school!  
  
Colin: Yes, but...  
  
Lupin: Nevermind, nevermind...er, are you worried at all about the monsters we're putting on the island?  
  
Colin: WHAT?! I thought all I had to do was sit on the beach and drink soda and hang out with the beach chicks!!!  
  
Lupin: Like any beach chick would wanna hang out with you...  
  
Colin: (gasp!) You mean even the hairy one wouldn't wanna...  
  
Lupin: Yeah. Okay, now we're going introduce the hazards you'll be facing on the island. Don't worry, none of them are too deadly: Blast-Ended Skrewts, rats, a Hungarian Horntail, rats, Dementors, rats, Death Eaters, rats, a basilisk, rats, another basilisk, rats, a troll, rats, Lord Voldemort in his most powerful form, and, finally, rats. Oh, and I'll also be running around doing the commentary, but you can bet your knickers that I'll transform into a werewolf at least once during your jolly little stay on the island. And did I mention you're not allowed to have your wands? We're also providing you with some yummy free food  
  
Hermione: What kind of food?  
  
Lupin: Rats, what did you expect? We've already spent more than we were supposed to for this show, and rats were the only food on sale. And now, some words of advice from our expert on rat-eating, Sirius Black  
  
Sirius: Okay, I'm going to be quick about this 'cause I have to go and release the rats before the game starts. So, here are some tips to make your rats taste better during your 4 week stay on the island. For breakfast, eat Rat Krispies with rat milk, for lunch, I'd say rat sushi should cut it, and dinner...er, roast some rats. Okay, that's it, now back to Remus  
  
Lupin: Thanks, and now I'm going to take away everyone's wands and eat them to they can't use the Summoning Charm to get them back  
(everyone hands their wands over and Lupin eats them)  
  
Lupin: (burp) Okay, and now we're going to drop everyone into the ocean 100 miles away from the island, and the first thing they'll have to do is swim to it. Good luck, you'll need it!  
  
(Hermione, Cho Chang, Ginny, Parvati, and Colin are pushed off the plane. Colin, with all this photo equipment, sinks to the bottom of the ocean while the Titanic song plays in the background)  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related material is property of J.K Rowling, the Energizer Bunny belongs to Energizer, and some movie company owns Titanic...oh yeah, don't sue me, I only have a few quarters 


	2. The Dating Game - Week 1

THE DATING GAME - WEEK 1  
  
Lupin: Hey everyone! Remus Lupin here, and we're now on the first week of our game show. Apparently, Colin has just sunk to the bottom of the ocean, (cheers are heard in the background) so we're now down one contestant. Our remaining competitors are...wait a sec! What's that?!  
  
(The camera zooms onto a little speck swimming/sinking around near the island)  
  
Lupin: Believe it or not, (I'd personally prefer 'not') Colin has actually survived his little, er, incident, and is still in the running (groans are heard in the background). Shut up already! His mom's watching this!  
  
Meanwhile, Colin swims to shore...  
  
Colin: (stares in awe at a plant eating a an ice cream cone) What a beautiful and exotic...(crosses his legs) I really have to go to the potty!  
  
[Colin runs to the nearest outhouse (since when were there bathrooms on deserted island?)]  
  
Washroom sign: Open Seasonally  
  
Colin: NOOOOOOO! (looks at some nearby rose bushes) Guess I'll have to use the bushes then...  
  
Sign above bush: The bush below serves as a emergency bathroom when the nearby outhouse isn't working, and is property of I.P Freely. Temporarily out of service. Please water regularly  
  
Colin: Oh no! Oh well... (does, er, something, and sighs in relief)  
  
Death Eater (I.P. Freely): Hey! What the heck did you do with my bushes?!  
  
Colin: You're I.P Freely? Er...well, they needed to be watered, so...  
  
I.P. Freely: Arg! I didn't mean by doing whatever you did! (jumps on Colin, and...)  
  
On the other side of the island...  
  
Parvati: (whining) We haven't found a single rat to eat for two whole minutes!  
  
Hermione: Hmm...oh, there are supposed to be loads, we'll just have to wait a bit...  
  
Parvati: But there's not intelligent life here! I'm sure of it!  
  
Ginny: What about us?  
  
Hermione: We don't count as "intelligent life"  
  
Ginny: Oh...I see  
  
(Suddenly, someone jumps out of the bushes)  
  
Colin: Hey everyone, I'm baaaaaaaaaack!  
  
Cho Chang: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (points at Colin) IT'S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!! RUN!!! (screams)  
  
Hermione: Oh, she's gone nuts again! That's Colin, not a bunny (wait a sec, he does look like a bunny...ugly teeth, big ears, pink fur...no sunglasses though)  
  
Ginny: You're wrong...  
  
Hermione: Excuse me? I'm never wrong!!! I've read all about this island, and there aren't any bunnies here, unless...  
  
Parvati: (gasp!) Look!  
  
(The Energizer Bunny shows up, beating his little war drum)  
  
Colin: Ooooooh! I wanna get a picture of this! (Colin is promptly eaten by the bunny as he sets his tripod up)  
  
Ginny: RUN!!!  
  
Hermione: Oh, it's not a bunny, it's an Animagus! Real bunnies don't wear sunglasses!  
  
Ginny: This bunny I saw on TV did! It was pink, and it keeps going, and going, and...AAAAAAH!  
  
(The bunny turns into Sirius, and he pukes Colin out)  
  
Sirius: Surprise! You've gotta shower more often, Colin!  
  
Colin: But...I just took one a month ago! It's way too soon to have another one!  
  
Hermione: Yeah, but what do you bathe in?!  
  
Colin: Well, my dad's a milkman, so I take a bath in milk...I like skim milk, it helps me lose weight!  
  
Sirius: Whatever...hey, where's Cho?  
  
Ginny: Er, over there  
  
Cho: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!!  
  
Hermione: Tsk, tsk, not again! I mean, really! What's up with...  
  
(Parvati, Ginny, and Colin walk away to find Cho)  
  
Hermione: Fine! Leave me here! I'll do fine by myself!  
  
Somewhere else on the island...  
  
Ginny: Oh, I can't wait to see the bunny!  
  
Parvati: Same here! I bet it's really cute and fluffy...AHHHHHH!  
  
(Cho points to a basilisk)  
  
Cho: It's the Energizer Bunny!!!  
  
Ginny: Oh, it's so cute...wait a sec...  
  
Colin: Oh, I wanna picture!!!  
  
(Colin gets his camera out, and is promptly petrified by the basilisk)  
  
Parvati: Oh, we better find Hermione! I think she'd know what to do!  
  
(Cho, however, doesn't leave and gets eaten by the basilisk. Ginny and Parvati run while the basilisk ties on a bib with a yellow ducky on it)  
  
Cho's mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Lupin: Don't panic! Don't panic! She's not really dead!  
  
(The basilisk burps and spits out a bone)  
  
Lockhart: It's all publicity, folks! No one would watch this show if...  
  
Lupin: Shut up! (Lockhart sulks and walks towards his dressing room) Er...not to worry, not to worry... (ducks a blow from Mrs. Chang's frying pan) She'll still get her t-shirt...er, let's go back to the show, shall we?   
  
Meanwhile...  
  
(Hermione sleeps peacefully on a hammock outside her five floor mansion while monkey servants serve her alcoholic cocktails)  
  
Ginny: Hermione! We...(looks at the house) How did you...?  
  
Parvati: Wow, you got monkey servants too!  
  
Hermione: And the house is made of 100% organic material  
  
Parvati: (gasp!) You didn't...  
  
Hermione: I used elephant dung for the bathroom...very organic, indeed...  
  
Ginny: We need some orange juice...er, Mandrake juice...for my dear Colin (sniff, sniff)  
  
Hermione: Mandrake juice is in the...hic!...fridge on the 5th floor! It tastes good with some...hic!...ice  
  
Parvati: I just checked there...all you have are some martinis and olives...(a dinging sound is heard) (squeal) It's the ice cream truck!  
  
(Parvati and Ginny throw Colin over a cliff and run towards the ice cream truck)  
  
Meanwhile, in an underground lair on the island...  
  
Voldemort: The game show contestants have arrived, Wormtail...I believe you have a plan of how to get rid of them, so I can finally tan in privacy?  
  
Wormtail: Yes, my lord! Er, this Muggle camping book I got from a junky book sale says that a lot of people can die from fear, Master...  
  
Voldemort: Indeed, Wormtail? Alright, stand back, I found something I can transform into from a horror novel...stand back...  
  
(Voldemort disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears as Barney)  
  
Wormtail: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (dies)  
  
Voldemort: Oh that wasn't scary enough...(picks up a random magazine from the floor, which happens to be littered with soda cans) Eek! Yes...I believe this will work...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
Next time on the Dating Game...  
  
-Hermione's five floor mansion gets infested with Blast-Ended Skrewts!  
-Voldemort tries to scare the contestants to death!  
-What's up with an ice-cream truck on a deserted island?  
-Will Colin ever get his Mandrake juice?  
-Another contestant will be eliminated and get his/her t-shirt!  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related material is property of J.K. Rowling (applause!), Barney is property of, er, whatever company owns him (I'm sorry, I don't remember anymore), the Energizer Bunny is obviously property of Energizer. Thanx, and don't sue me. 


End file.
